Who knew we would all miss the days when our government would warn about the dangers of frozen turkeys exploding in fryers ahead of the holidays?
Instead, those B-roll demonstrations of boiling hot peanut oil erupting out of steel cauldrons that are usually ubiquitous this time of year have been replaced by a more novel hysteria: COVID-19.
Coming to a family dining room near you are the ridiculous, fun-spoiling, anti-scientific rules that have killed your favorite restaurant, now adapted for home use in the form of Centers for Disease Control and Prevention holiday guidelines released on Wednesday — just in time to ruin Thanksgiving.
Besides pretty much telling you to forget seeing your family other than the people you’ve been staring at in quarantine for the past nine months, the CDC recommends everyone you do mix with sits the requisite 6 feet apart while wearing masks and avoiding things like touching, using the same serving utensils, interacting with pets and even singing.
To keep coronavirus risk low, the CDC recommends hosting a “virtual dinner and sharing recipes with friends and family,” holding gatherings in outdoor spaces or opening windows in tight indoor spaces (the top half of the country will love basking in frigid temperatures).
Oh, and don’t forget that the holidays are not a time to linger. “Gatherings that last longer pose more risk than shorter gatherings,” the CDC reminds us.
“Being within 6 feet of someone who has COVID-19 for a cumulative total of 15 minutes or more greatly increases the risk of becoming sick and requires a 14-day quarantine.”
So, while you’re in the same general vicinity and not touching while frostbite sets in, it is absolutely essential that you don’t do anything that would be remotely like a proper family gathering.
“Encourage guests to avoid singing or shouting, especially indoors,” the CDC recommends. “Keep music levels down so people don’t have to shout or speak loudly to be heard.”
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While it’s humorous to envision the CDC as Dr. Suess’ Christmas-ruing titular character from the “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” the reality is much darker: These guidelines about how you conduct your holiday gatherings in your own home are further evidence of tyrannical government overreach.
Political commentator Dave Rubin summarized the recommendations as such and shared how he’d handle the holidays.
Rubin shared how he was livid as “the government is now going to tell us who can serve the food in our house, and how close we have to sit with each other, and that we have to keep the windows open” along with the rest of the “series of ridiculous things” in a clip he tweeted the same day the guidelines were released.
“I know, I’m a radical freedom person, a real extremist over here,” he continued. “I believe that you can figure out what to do in your house related to how you’re going to celebrate holidays, and these people are absolutely ridiculous and they want to control you.”
Rubin, a California resident, addressed Gov. Gavin Newsom, Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti and the CDC with a defiant message: “I’m going to have people here, and we’re going to eat freely, and we’re gonna talk, and we might sing, and I’m not going to force one person to serve everyone.”
“Everyone’s gonna touch that spoon. That’s how we’re gonna do it. You can’t control us, you lunatics,” Rubin said.
My thoughts on the crazy new rules the CDC just handed down for Thanksgiving.
“Everyone is gonna touch the spoon.”
— Dave Rubin (@RubinReport) November 11, 2020
Coronavirus lockdowns have stretched on for the majority of 2020, with many families unable to visit elderly relatives in nursing homes, travel or even attend school or worship in person in some areas.
Now the government is trying to tell Americans how to host and attend holiday gatherings, power-drunk from months of fearful citizens complying with their draconian orders (riots notwithstanding).
Their tactics are wearing thin, however, and just as the Grinch witnessed the people of Whoville basking in Christmas joy despite his best efforts, the holidays will go on — just be on the lookout for those exploding turkey fryers.
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